Tawdry Talk

After I closed up shop on Friday, I went home to rest for a bit before heading back downtown to pick up Jason from work and spend some time walking from Union Square to Civic Center. I know that he enjoys our evening walks together, and so do I. We rode to the Castro, and after saying goodnight, I deposited my receipts for the evening and was wandering around. In front of Mommy’s, I ran into Dave (backawayslowly) and his boyfriend, Erez, who had just left the Castro Theater. They gave me their tickets to the third film of the triple-feature they had purchased, and I was happy to be going in to see Peter Jackson’s “Meet the Feebles.”

Jackson had applied for a grant from the New Zealand Film Commission to make a documentary about Vietnam Vet New Zealanders in order to get the money to make this disturbing piece of subversive puppetry. If you ever get the chance to see it on the big screen, I can only say, DO IT!

When the movie let out, it was 01:50, and I was going to head into Mommy’s for a beer, but then thought that on bartime they were already closed. But who should I run into than a sweet sexy ginger lad for whom I have had a major hard-on. He looked at the look on my face, and invited me to his place to kiss and cuddle. We didn’t get to sleep until 06:00…

Which sadly makes for a grumpy bear the next morning, as I rushed downtown to my office to make my appointments for the day. Happy, but grumpy, and dealing with two very difficult clients. Thankfully, my second (of a planned three) client was a no-show, so I got to take a nap between my first and what turned out to be my second client of the day. And that nap was all too brief, but still welcome.

The 90 minute session turned into two hours, and then I was madly dashing back to the Castro to have lunch with my friend who just moved up from LA, Kelvin. We dined at Thai Chef on 18th Street, and had a lovely conversation. We bid each other goodnight, and I headed back over to the little ginger lad’s place for a much more sedate, but still very passionate evening watching the olympics in front of a fire. Yes, he built a fire in anticipation of my arrival. At least this time we only stayed up until 03:00 instead!

Today, I had lunch with Frank Martin (ednixon) before he got on the road to Redding, then went to Home Depot and Bloodbath with Will and Bruin, then to the gym with them, and finally to their place for a supper of grilled turkey burgers and a salad, with a strawberry shortcake I bought at Trader Joe’s for dessert.

I bought a big ceramic bowl at Home Depot, along with some herb plants and a small ficus to make a cute little herb garden. I also purchased a couple of African Violets for my office.

Was going to go downtown again tonight to see Jason and walk him home, but those plans fell through. He was scheduled to work until 23:00, but texted me saying he was working until Midnight instead, so I adjusted my plans. But just a few moments ago, he called to say he had gotten off work at 23 after all. The co-worker for whom he was staying an extra hour because of a transportation problem on her part showed up on time after all, so he got to leave at his appointed hour. Too late for me to get down there in a timely fashion, so we’ll just see each other at the gym tomorrow morning.

So, I’m back in San Francisco after five weekends away, and I’m still running around like a headless chicken! At least I get to sleep in my own bed tonight!

The Hitcher, what a strange movie - I had seen it when it first came out, but watching last night with my new friend, Art, on his couch reminded me of how much it sucked! Well, it didn’t suck, but pretty near. The gruesome effects were very realistic looking. The cuddles with Art were very nice, though.

After I closed up my shop, I telephone Art to talk and ask him out on a date, and just wanted to express my desire to spend some time with him, but somehow that morphed into me coming over to watch a movie on the couch. I went to Taqueria El Buen Sabor and picked up a meal for us, trying my best to order the meal in Spanish thanks to the Coffee Break Spanish podcast (they thought my accent was funny), then found a perfect parking spot on Noe near Market right around the cgorner from his apartment on Market, rang the bell, and was buzzed inside. Brigham and Roxie, his Presa Canario and Labrador Retreiver dogs, greeted me, and we hung out eating our mexican food and talking. Then the movie started, and we sat on his couch with our legs twined together while I massaged his feet, watching the movie.

After the movie, we watched a local newscast, and part of Jimmy Kimmel’s show. I hadn’t spent an evening watching television like that in a very long time, especially with a handsome man at my side, and I found myself enjoying it terribly. And, ironically, enjoying it all the more because we didn’t jump into bed together despite my mounting desire to ravage him. And I could see that he was also struggling with his desires, too, as it were.

At the end of the evening, I ave him a big bearhug and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. And walked back to the car floating with a light step and even lighter heart.

Yesterday was the first day that I started to feel somewhat normal after the ALC. There was perhaps more of the post-event depression than at first I thought. But I plugged away this past week with my clients and some stuff around the house. I’ll start back up at the gym on Monday as I miss it somethin’ fierce.

So, let’s do a quick recap of my week.

Monday found me sleeping all day.

Tuesday I had finished the trade I had made last year around this time for the extra paulbrown.net healing hands logo t-shirts. Hooray for barter, and even more hooray that it’s paid off!

Wednesday I saw my ancient client and we continued working on breaking up the scar tissue in his right shoulder. I also fielded a few telephone calls from prospective clients, and even booked an appointment from an ALC7 rider! Also saw my normal first Wednesday of the month evening client, pushed back a week due to the ALC.

Thursday, worked, then had dinner with a friend and had a Team Bear de-briefing meeting, which ended up being pretty good.

Which brings us to Friday. I had three clients booked yesterday for work, and after the second client finished at 15:00, I headed down to the ’stro to hang out with Aaron, this little cute cubby I met at the Team Bear fund raiser we held at B-Unit a few weekends ago. We have been seeing each other on WoW and online, texting each other, and I finally asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me yesterday. So we had supper at Thai Chef on 18th Street, which is becoming my favorite Thai place in the ’stro. The service can be a tiny bit unctuous, but the food is well prepared, although they do tend to “whiten” the spiciness level. Chili Cha Cha is still way better at making food really spicy-hot!

So, while I was waiting for Aaron to show up, I had a brief chat with Jason who was walking home from his new job at the Westin Saint Francis Hotel. He had been working at the Galleria Park Hotel, but the Westin called him up with an offer for more money, so he jumped ship and took it. I can’t blame him, especially since he really wants to get away from Drunky McDud and saving up enough money for a deposit and rent is the only way to do that.

After dinner, Aaron and I went to the Edge and I had a beer. Aaron is a very beautiful young man, and he gets a lot of attention. When I finished my Hefe Weizen, I mosied over to Mommies Daddies 440 Castro and bought him and myself another beer. I like listening to him, but I was reminded that I have three clients today, and said goodnight to Aaron, letting him know that I’d see him again really soon.

I did head back over to the Edge, though, and met Sam K., a dear friend and fellow square dancer. We had a lovely conversation and I heard a few things that I think I needed to hear just then about not putting my light under a bushel, as it were. Jason sauntered up to he and I and I introduced them to each other. After a time, though, it really was time to leave, so I walked back to the gheyest intersection in the world, and who should I run into but Jason and Drunky McDud. Determined to be more cordial this time, I put on my happy face and re-introduced myself to Keith. His handshake was soft like a woman’s and his skin had that pallor that comes from years of vodka ingestion, but I was cheerful and didn’t recoil in horror from the spongy grip. Jason was heading up to the citibank ATM and I was heading to MUNI so he and I walked together for half a block, while Keith hung back. He told me how his savings progress was going and I let him know that if he wanted to start looking at apartments, I’d be more than happy to drive him around and help him get acclimated to the various neighborhoods. We parted with a hug, and I made my way home.

I am realizing that there are more men out there who are interested in me, and that I am not just sitting back waiting for Jason to leave Keith. That may or may not ever happen, and I can’t put my life on hold just because some sweet, young man is in a troubled relationship.

Went to the gym last night to work on chest/triceps with Duke. Legs are not as sore as they were yesterday, so extra bonus points for the Kabuki Springs. The attendant at the door again waved me through, even though I had one of those plastic VIP Pass chips they give to members periodically. I really think it’s because we go so late a night and that the night shift workers pretty much don’t care who’s there in the gym.

Came home and slept in late. I feel pretty good and ready to tackle some spring cleaning today.

Also, I woke up this morning and didn’t seem to feel any of the anger I’d been feeling toward Jason, neither. So that’s a good thing, too.

I am finding myself becoming increasingly angry with Jason. OK, that’s probably not exactly true. I find that I am angry that I fell for another People Pleaser personality after what happened with Bob.

Jason was confused and probably a little scared by the fact that he was developing feelings for this other fellow, and more than likely didn’t know how to tell me that he wanted to break it off. Why I chose to ignore the warning signs is what I am pissed off about. Just like with Bob, Jason told me what he thought I wanted to hear to avoid potential conflict. He gave me vague answers to questions I was asking him, or he flat out told me misleading things.

I was hearing the warning bells in my head.

On the other hand, I was planning on the idea that he was probably going to want to have a “gay adolescence” when he got here, so I was trying to also be a little detached from this relationship, too.

I guess that I just wasn’t expecting him to fall in love with this other guy. If he is in love with this other guy. I know I shouldn’t be snarky about this, but I just can’t help feel like he was pulling back from me when I made it clear to him that he couldn’t move in with me. I don’t know what to do.

Note to self: make sure you call that therapist you talked to the other week. That’s got to help me process my anger.

Still sad, but at getting better. Chatted with Jason this morning on Yahoo. He is starting to understand how I feel. Not that I am upset that he found the other guy, but how he mislead me about the situation. That understanding will go a long way to helping me close this chapter of my relationship with him, and let me be friends with him once he lives here.

Well, that’s progress, yes?

I worked out last night with Duke at the gym. It was shoulder day.

Who knew that breaking up with someone could make one so horny?

Today I had a client. That went as well as could be expected, for a client who hadn’t been here in well over a year. He forgot how to receive, and it was a frustrating session. I’ll call him tomorrow, though, and talk to him about it.

In other news, I wish that this stupid new boyfriend of Jason’s would stop messaging me on Daddyhunt telling me how sorry he is that things didn’t work out between Jason and me. LIke I said to him, it’s none of his business what went on between Jason and me, so please leave me alone. Well, easy enough - I just deleted my Daddyhunt profile anyway.

I called Eric to see if he wanted to hang out, but he’s staying in tonight, and I decided to come home and rest more, too. This cold is slowly going away, but relaxing more will help make it better.

Also today, while I was crossing the street, I saw this therapist I know and I asked him if he was taking on clients. I feel like I need a professional listener to help me sort things out for a little while. He gave me his card and I told him I’d be calling him.

Dukehad to work today or I’d have tried to go to a movie with him. Well, I did ask him, but he was at work and didn’t get the messages.

Staying in and resting is a better option, anyway.

Jason missed his flight back to Wyoming yesterday, so imagine my surprise when I was having a cocktail at The Edge yesterday afternoon when he walked up to me and started talking to me. Theoretically, his flight back to Wyoming was this morning at 06:00.

Now, admittedly, part of the reason I went there was to see this new guy, who is an Edge regular in the way that the old guys who sit down at Bearbears are, too. Every time I have ever been there, he’s been there, and you all know, gentle readers, how seldom I am there. Heck, Ms. Glover(com) even greeted me yesterday by asking, “What are you doing here, sweetie? This isn’t your home bar.”

Anyway, I won’t go into the details of the conversation with Jason, but suffice to say that when he moves here, he and I probably won’t see much of each other, although I’m sure we’ll run into each other from time to time.

Afterward, I called my friend, Eric the Nurse, up and we met at Sweet Inspirations so I could cry over some orange juice while he ate some sort of dessert and coffee. While I was regaling him with my witticisms and tales of derring-do with Jason, two of the massage therapists who were on the AIDS/LifeCycle Massage Team last year walked by, separately. As each was walking by, I knocked on the window and invited them inside to chat with Eric and I for a little while. I think that I might have convinced them both to sign up again.

Speaking of which, the captain of the massage team called me this past Saturday while I was bed-ridden and asked me if I’d do massage again this year, and I said yes. The bike repair is going to cost me some serious money - more than I can shell out right now, so instead I decided to do something I know I can already be good at and still make a contribution. Yeah, I know, it could be seen as giving in to fear, but it’s also doing the best I have with what I’ve got.

And with that, I seek serenity with the situation with Jason.

It seems that Jason wasn’t able to actually tell me he wanted to break up. Instead he did it by coming to San Francisco and staying with another man, and then by promising to meet me on Sunday at noon, and then sending me a 5 word email saying he was in Sausalito with the other man.

Turns out that because I couldn’t let Jason move in with me, Jason decided to move on to richer pastures. He plans on having his first summer in San Francisco be one where he works as a go-go dancer at 440 and lets this other guy support him. The other seems to be up for that, too, so I wish them all well.

Right as I was about to go sink into a funk, though, my dear friend, Eric the Nurse, called me up on the phone and asked if I wanted to hang out. Heck, he even came and picked me up at 13:30 and brought me over to his place on Clinton Park, where his roommate, Todd, was just starting cooking onions for the beginning of what turned out to be an incredible spaghetti and meatballs dinner! We all four (including their other roommate, John) watched the oscars and really had a good time.

From there, I headed up to see Duke. We are both recovering from our respective illnesses, so it was nice to just have a quiet rest time with him. I stayed the night there, and just got in, and will now start preparing for my work day.

So, a different weekend than I envisioned, but one full of love and good friends after all.

1/22: SFO - > DEN -> JAC
1/25: JAC -> DEN -> SFO

I just need to pad out my calendar just a bit more between now and then, but it’s totally do-able.