I dreamed I was a member of a crew for a locally produced national comedy television show – an SF show that was produced by SF people in Sacramento at the Boardwalk, an Orangevale club where big-hair metal still lives, with their Tina-smoking clientele.
Anyway, Bob and Jeff and I were staying in the motel next door to the club, and there seemed to be some sort of sex club going on there. In my dream, Orangevale was mixed in with Guerneville – there were redwoods everywhere – and I think it was Lazy Bear weekend.
Well, after the filming of the show, in which the crowd boos the lesbian comedian hosts at the end of the filming – it’s part of the SF tradition, a very in-joke – and this was our first filming for a national audience, I said that maybe the booing was funny to us, but that the viewing audience wouldn’t understand. From there, I was off to the motel – it was around 11pm, and I wanted to get home to my guys.
After some strange encounters with various hot bears, none of which was sexual, but I can’t really remember them, I climbed up a steep corrugated metal ramp to a motel room, but it was the wrong one, and I saw
The door was barely cracked open, and so I opened the door, to find three beds – two queen size bed and a queen sized air matress on the floor between the beds. Jeff was on the bed farthest from the door, writing something in a diary or book, and Bob was laying naked under a crisp white sheet on the air matress, hair damp as if freshly showered.
I took off my coat – it was winter? – and slid down onto the air matress next to Bob, and I asked them how they liked the show. He told me that they didn’t really like it, so they went back to the motel and that they picked up this guy and brought him back to the room – Jeff sucked his cock while Bob fucked his butt, all of them standing up, with Jeff on a lower platform designed for the purpose – think BlowBuddies’ blow-job holes with out the wall.
I shushed him at that point, and told him that I didn’t want to know about it, at least while we were together.
Then I woke up feeling really bad, and had a conversation with myself along the lines of questioning why I keep having dreams of them having sex with other people, deliberately, without me. It’s not that they are having sex with other people, so much as it is that they are doing it while we are all so newly in a relationship (they aren’t, and even if they were, that doesn’t bother me in waking life). I know that I don’t want to have sex with anyone else besides them right now, because I want to learn them and their bodies – just be with them. Upon waking and reflection wondering why they couldn’t wait for me to finish with my work and knowing how long it had been since we had been together.
I guess I’m still struggling against feeling like I’m not worthy of their love, for lots of reasons. I already have had experience now with feeling rejected by them, not consciously rejected, but rejected nonetheless. That the rejection was largely (but not completely) a product of my own buggy coding doesn’t make it feel any less real to me.
I’m struggling with my body image and eating habits right now. When I lived by myself in Sacramento, I didn’t buy any of these foods that I have a hard time resisting (I’m doing pretty good this past week), and I still don’t buy them when I do my own food shopping. I have gained some of the weight that I lost last year since moving back to San Francisco. Yes, some of it is muscle mass – doing massage has been good for me that way – but all my pants are getting tighter again.
I feel like I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this here. We are all struggling here at UGH, and I don’t feel like I can burden any of my newly made friends with my troubles, so I’m back to being i
solated. I can’t talk to my clients about my troubles, since that would be unethical – they are coming to me for help, after all. What’s a boy to do?
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