I was the smart kid in elementary school that everyone hated. I had no friends until 8th grade, when I met my first and still best friend, Darin. I was raped when I was 16, and I carried these hurts around with me for a long time.
In 1998, while riding my motorcycle home from work on highway 24, just about to approach the Caldecott Tunnel from Walnut Creek, all I could hear was the drone of the engine; I was zoned out. Suddenly, I heard my internal diaglogue, really heard it. It was all those cruel, mean-spirited words that had been thrown at me. The thing is, they weren’t the ones throwing them at me anymore, I was. That realization struck me light a bolt of lightning, and I forgave. Forgave my parents, forgave my tormentors, forgave the rapist, forgave the procurer, and most importantly, I forgave myself for carrying all that emotional garbage around with me all those decades. Relief flooded my heart and my eyes welled up with tears of joy, so much so that I had to pull over on the side of the road and just cry for 20 minutes.
Since that day, not for a single moment have I thought those words, or been angry at myself for no apparent reason. I haven’t forgotten, but the emotional weight of those events no longer exists for me, except for the memory of having had that weight. Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that we humans can do for ourselves. It is a precious gift.
Comments on this entry are closed.