Archive for October, 2003

well, after a terrible week without my internet service, due to a cable company screw-up, i’m back online and ready to write! so, get ready for a flood of posts.

a walk in the rain
kisses on your neck
making love by the fire
big bear arms around you

with this past week being really busy with Trash Film Orgy stuff and massage, i really hadn’t had the opportunity to talk to joseph about my concerns. well, last night, we did, and i’m glad we did. he knew there was something wrong, and so when i got the chance to tell him what was up, we were able to put stuff into proper perspective.

whew! now i don’t have to worry about him selling his house, and showing up on my doorstep with a u-haul… and i still get to get re-acquainted at a slightly more sedate pace.

Apparently, when one is on state property, one cannot pass out fliers. In order to engage in free speech, one needs a permit, which are only available between 8am-5pm.

Thus, my evening of street-teaming the Exotic Zone ball out at Cal Expo, the California State Fairgrounds. My team, Amy, Bradner, Melissa, and Shalom, and I did end up distributing about 500 fliers that night, so that was a success, but the California Highway Patrol officers kept shoo-ing us and the other guerrilla marketers away from the gates, that is, until the show started to let out, at which point, I was there, putting a flier into every hand I could, along with my one-sentence spiel for the show.

Last night was the first time in a long time that I appeared in my leathers in public: green cap, green vest, black harness, green knee-length shorts, and black thigh-high lace-up boots. It felt good, and I definately attracted attention. I’ll post some pics on my site soon, I think.

Last night was the Sacramento Valley Bears‘ Tenth Anniversary Party. If you remember, Gentle Readers, I had donated two 90-minute massage gift certificates to the silent auction. Well, they both fetched more than my normal price – hooray!

Mardi Gras was the party’s theme – a bit odd for an Autumn dinner, but that’s ok. The dinner itself was catered by one of our founding members, Frank Harrison, and was a simple meal with a Caesar salad, Red Beans and Rice, Cornbread Muffins, and a Chicken Breast in a Cajun-style tomato sauce. For as simple as it was, it turned out to be most excellent. Frank really knows his Southern cuisine. The 120 or so bears who showed up all enjoyed the meal. Dessert was Bananas Foster. Yum!

There were the requisite speeches by our founding member and current president. There was dancing, but most of all there were scrumptious bears! So many to talk to, pass my business card out to, and generally flirt and schmooze with. And dance – did I mention dancing? What about Hubert? Did I mention how much I love dancing with him? I think I did back when I was writing about Lazy Bear Weekend. He moves like a snake.

After the dinner was over, many folks went to The Bolt, but I had to go out to the Exotic Zone and pass out flyers for the Trash Film Orgy, which I’ll write about as soon as I get back from Target – my roommate and I need to go pick up some household supplies.

from chefxh:

sum up your opinion or impression of me in one word, leave it as a comment in this posting, and then post this sentence in your own journal.

I just got back from riding my bike to the News & Review office, where I renewed my ad for the next four weeks. upon arrival at home, Steve was waiting for me to buy my extra ticket to the Sacramento Valley Bears 10th Anniversary Party. He’s cute, and although he has worked in Sacramento for the past 6ish years, he’s only just recently moved to Sacramento, and doesn’t really know anyone. Perhaps a new friend is in the making.

In other news, do you think that if someone was in love with you for 8 years, even through other boyfriends and an ex-partner, that that is just a bit odd? What about if they have lived in a house for those 8 years, and although they bought all this home improvement stuff, they haven’t actually done any of the projects for which they bought materials? Does that sound like someone who is healthy? What if they were waiting for a partner so they could get started on these things? I mean, isn’t part of coming out of the desert being ready to show that you are a complete and whole person who would complement any prospective partner? Is a relationship supposed to save you from yourself, or is it a method of sharing of yourself with another person(s), making something more than the sum of its parts?

i drove to san jose yesterday morning to meet this hot friend of mine.
i originally met him back in 1998 in tucson at fiesta.

he’s a field archaeologist, man, and has forearms like popeye,
and the most strong hands i’ve ever come across

cause he uses a trowel to unbury artifacts
such amazing grip

like jumper cables
electric

I was the smart kid in elementary school that everyone hated. I had no friends until 8th grade, when I met my first and still best friend, Darin. I was raped when I was 16, and I carried these hurts around with me for a long time.

In 1998, while riding my motorcycle home from work on highway 24, just about to approach the Caldecott Tunnel from Walnut Creek, all I could hear was the drone of the engine; I was zoned out. Suddenly, I heard my internal diaglogue, really heard it. It was all those cruel, mean-spirited words that had been thrown at me. The thing is, they weren’t the ones throwing them at me anymore, I was. That realization struck me light a bolt of lightning, and I forgave. Forgave my parents, forgave my tormentors, forgave the rapist, forgave the procurer, and most importantly, I forgave myself for carrying all that emotional garbage around with me all those decades. Relief flooded my heart and my eyes welled up with tears of joy, so much so that I had to pull over on the side of the road and just cry for 20 minutes.

Since that day, not for a single moment have I thought those words, or been angry at myself for no apparent reason. I haven’t forgotten, but the emotional weight of those events no longer exists for me, except for the memory of having had that weight. Forgiveness is the most powerful thing that we humans can do for ourselves. It is a precious gift.