supposedly, i was going to git on wit hittin’ the rack saturday morning, but right when i climbed back on in to rest, i got the call from gordo and headed on over. we went to the http://www.sacvalleybear.org/ event bears in the sac, the opening pool party. they had jeff glover and his partner, philip faggard, staying with them, as well as a newcomer, chris. he’s from fresno and gordon picked him up at the bolt friday night like the lost little puppy that he is. he’s quite attractive, though, and friendly to boot.
we went over to the pool party, and my new hair was a hit, as was the tattoo – the scenery makes it make so much more sense. the color will just complete it – hooray! i met several nice guys, got in a little kiss and tickle, and had a hot dog and some beans.
after about a couple of hours of basking in the glory of the pool and sun, we headed back over to chuck and gordon’s house to chill out there. gordon, philip and i went over to sam’s club to pick up the salad fixings for sunday’s farewell pool party and while we were there we also picked up a pork tenderloin and some wine and stuff for that night’s supper.
i placed the meat on the grill, and i made the glaze – a reduction of orange juice, garlic, balsamic vinegar, and dijon mustard. i turned out to be a hit, so i was happy. philip’s salad included some bourbon glazed macadamia nuts and a creamy goat cheese and some dried cranberries, and gordon made some scrumptious garlicky mashed potatoes. i almost never get to make the entree at these events so i was kinda nervous, but needlessly. my grandparents were restauranteurs, and cooking is in my blood, but still, with the weird nervousness i’ve been dealing with lately, everything i do is seemingly fraught with tenterhooks.
for example, i am attracted to this guy, chris, and i wanted to talk to him more, but i found myself getting angry at chuck for talking to him as much as he did. it’s weird, like rapid-fire mood swings, and it gets worse when i’m really tired, like i was that night. but what was i mad at? i guess i felt that as a married fellow, chuck shouldn’t be talking to the guy, but that doesn’t really make sense, since chuck was just trying to get to know his houseguest, and i could have joined in on the conversation.
i’m also struggling with what it means to be masculine. really, what is masculine? and how does one escape the self-imposed stigma of wanting to be a bottom sometimes and not be afraid of demonstrating that? why do i feel like i have to continue down the same sexual road i’ve been travelling for the past four years? logically, there doesn’t seem to be a reason to continue in that way, when my heart is singing out for the chance to explore other avenues.
i feel trapped by my stature. i’m 6’5″ tall and i want to not be looked at as some daddy-figure anymore. i was rick’s big daddy for those years, and my first ric’s daddy, too. i don’t want a daddy, though, but a brother, a peer, someone with whom i can just be myself.
it’s as if i have two persons inside me: the “star” who walks into a space and goes onstage, and the quiet people watcher who’s perfectly content to sit back and let the play unfold itself before my gaze. the rapist who wants to dominate and possess, and the slave who desires nothing more than to be bound, shackled, cuffed, and fucked the living daylights out of. it’s these conflicting desires that has me so anxious and ready to jump out of my own skin at times.
other times, though, riding on the unicycle feels like great fun and terrific adventure. being outrageous is an important part of my makeup. that aspect of myself is so freeing; i can ride the wave and stay so focused on the present moment: smell every smell, see every sight, every mote of dust floating in the air, hear every heart beat, and feel every stir of air, each blade of grass under my feet.
finally, though, over every thing else is my guiding principle – to treat my neighbor as myself. service to my fellow man is the glue that binds all of
this together somehow: this crazy patchwork quilt of emotions and persons called paul.
sunday morning, chuck called me and asked me if i was coming over. i told him that i felt better and had just needed a good night’s sleep, which is the truth. when i get really tired, i feel much less in control of my emotional keel. so, back over to the cozy casa i drove, and found chris off on the rafting trip, and gordon and philip had already cut up my potatoes for the salad. i made a dressing for the potatoes of mayonaise, sour cream, bacon, mustard, celery. i dressed 40 pounds of potatoes, and bowled it up in four bowls and put it in the refrigerator. then i helped philip with the beans. i had already cut up the onions the night before and placed them in the beans, and he had been doing some seasoning of them, but he had made them too sweet, so i minced up some jalapeno and some green bell pepper and he minced up some garlic and we put those things into the beans so counteract the sweetness – that helped a considerable amount and the beans turned out fine.
people started arriving at 1400 but the main influx of men didn’t start until about 1600ish. the men from the rafting trip started arriving in droves and they were tired and hungry. the chicken was still being grilled, though. it hadn’t quite thawed enough, so it was being cooked slowly. we were about 30 minutes late with the start of dinner, but i finally got to ring the triangle and holler out to come and get it. almost instantly, a big ole line formed at the serving tables – there is almost nothing as fine as to see a big line of hungry bears waiting to eat your food; it’s very soul-satisfying.
the party kept on until about 2200, when the last of the stragglers left. i gave chris a standing back rub, and he fell asleep on me standing up, so i tucked him into his guest room. chuck had gone to bed already, so gordon and i went out and had our own little celebration, since we were still high from the excitement, and we got to bed at around 0130.
i woke up this morning and wandered out of the other guest room at the house and found chris watching the morning news, chuck had gone to work, and gordon got up right after me. we all went downtown to vallejo’s, a family owned mexican restaurant, for breakfast with seven other bears, for our own private farewell breakfast. i had chorizo con huevos y papas burrito, and it was scrumptious.
we bid each other a fond adieu at the place, and the three of us went back to gordon’s place, where i helped briefly with cleaning up the little left to do in the kitchen. i hugged chris good-bye, gave him my card, and said good-bye to gordo.
i got home, check my email, and headed in to the city, where i sit at
i have a lot to think about.
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