i drove up to plymouth, california, to attend a weekend at http://www.ranchocicadaretreat.com/ on friday last. the retreat is set along the banks of the consumnes river, deep in a canyon filled with oak and pines.
i arrived there right before lunchtime, and found the guest parking lot. i ambled down to the kitchen to find diana, the chef, and david, the owner. as i was walking, i looked down toward the river, where a lovely manicured lawn had frolicing men and women. oh. my. gawd. there were nekkid men and women and children! somehow, i was given the impression that this was going to be a male-only weekend. i quickly readjusted my thinking and kept walking to the kitchen.
diana and i took to each other right away. her assistant, eric, is this ottery fellow from alaska who i had emailed with a couple of times. he’s a journalist taking a break from journalism for a while, and is now working as an EMT in calaveras county. he’s handsome but i could tell right away that he wasn’t attracted to me. anyway, i suddenly had a girlfriend to help me get adjusted to the straightness of the weekend.
david was running around on his yamaha 4-wheel atv thing, so i had to haul my stuff down the steep hill and set up. as many of you know, my table is gigantic, and although it’s not terribly heavy, its size makes it somewhat awkward to carry, even with its case, and down that hillside was bad. fortunately, i made it down without incident; the uneven step that had been place on the trail made it easy. i walked around for about ten or fifteen minutes trying to determine the best place to set up and decided that this particular oak tree’s shade would be the suitable. i opened my table and set it up and made a lovely little work area under the tree.
david strode up to me, and we exchanged introductions. he’s an active fellow, in his early 50s, with a lean, lithe body that appears to be in great shape. i imagine running around on hilly 44 acres of consumnes river canyon will do that do a fellow. he’s nice, too, and concerned with the well-being of his guests.
clang clang clang – the meal bell was rung. the 20 or so people who were guesting there and david and i ambled up the path to the dining patio, where diana and eric had set up lunch. i got a good look at my potential clients. there were mostly straight couples ranging in age of the late 20s to early 60s who kept themselves in decent-to-great shape.
david introduced me to the group at lunch, and i got up in front of them and gave my speech i had been rehearsing. blah blah blah. i had some interesting questions, two people signed up right away. i put my sign-up sheets on the bulletin board, and went back down to my car to get the rest of my stuff. david showed me which tent to use, and i got set up.
so, the maintenance man was a man in his early 50s, tall, with john denver hair and the hugest dick and a 0g prince albert piercing. he was attractive enough, but he was sure the most lame pick-up artist. he walked up to me right before i was going to start my first massage and told me that he would take out the piercing because the other massage therapist wouldn’t like it when he was orally copulating him. “orally copulating him” do i have a sign on my head that says don’t even introduce yourself, just start talking about sex? (i probably do)
anyway, i did my two massages that day, and went up for dinner. my sign-up sheet was almost all the way full! yee-hah! there were still a few slots left open, though, for the times when david takes the group on this short but arduous hike up the river to the hidden swimming hole, and the wedding. yes, you did read that correctly, the wedding. the bride and groom had just arrived in time to pass out invitations and stuff. they were members of this group, too, and decided that they would get married there – it was all very impromptu.
later that night, i was sitting in the hot tub, chatting with some of the guests – the maintenance guy was there, too. we’ll call him “jay.” i had my back turned to the guests for a moment and jay reached over and touched my right nipple. it was dark, and the guests didn’t see, but still, that was awfully forward. i don’t generally like being touched in public like that. forty-five minutes later i was ready to get out of the water. i got up out of the tub, and jay followed me. i was suddenly really dizzy, and i almost fell down. i was swaying and couldn’t stay balanced. i had to reach out for the wall to steady myself. man, that was scary. slow breathing helped me regain my balance, and i sat down for a moment. ok. better. i stood back up and dried off, then said goodnight to the guests. jay decided that he would walk with me to make sure i was ok. at least, that was what he said to them. he walked me to his tent, and asked me inside. i was kinda turned on by him, although he was a boob, but a kindly boob.
the details of the encounter aren’t all that exciting to recall. a little sucky, a little fucky, a little cuddles afterward. it did make for a nice closing to an unusual day, though.
the next morning, i woke up at 0600 and headed up to the shower. jay was already up and shaving. i hopped in the shower and was pleasantly surprised to have hot water quickly at a decent pressure. clean, teeth scrubbed, and beard brushed, i went up to the kitchen to see if diana needed some help. well, ok, i was more decorative than helpful, but i did slice the baguettes for the french toast, and her coffee sure is good.
breakfast done, i went down and set up my table again. i did five massage saturday, swam naked in the consumnes river, and met diana’s boyfriend, scott. if he was gay, he’d be one of those poster-bears. 6’2″ with short buzzed blonde hair, blue eyes, a long goatee, and hairy as fuck. later, i told diana, “score!” and we high-fived. he’s also a really nice guy, to boot. he’s very masculine, but not macho, and that’s always a plus.
lunch. wedding, in which the bride and groom and most of the guests were unclothed, or nearly so. it was really touching and beautiful.
dinner. after dinner massage. then i went up and hung out with diana, scott, and eric. we smoked a little grass – well, ok, it was two potent joints – and we were all feeling fine. beyond fine, we were all really stoned.
we all went to get into the hot tub, and talked and talked. it was great fun. eric left for bed, then scott and diana. i was left in the tub with a few of the guests, and were talked until about 0130 about the state of political life in this country, and wind power. it was really fun to talk to people who feel passionately about politics and civic life. i felt really american for those hours, and it was a feeling i wasn’t ashamed to feel.
0500, and i was awake. i toodled up to the kitchen and could smell coffee as i approached. the lid to the percolator had blown off and coffee was bubbling all over the counter. the staff was no where to be found, as it was still only 0530, and there alarm was probably just going off. i went into the kitchen to find a dishrag, and replaced the lid and cleaned it up. at about 0600, eric roused from his tent, so i walked down there and told him what happened. he didn’t seem too concerned, and i went back up the kitchen and waited for him to come up.
diana and scott showed up a little bit later, and scott and eric began working. diana is not going to be there for the fourth of july, and those two are going to run the show that weekend. she’s a bit nervous about it, but they seem like they are doing an ok job. diana and i sat on the patio, drinking coffee and dishing and laughing.
two massages and i hit the wall, with two left to go. i had to tell my next client that i couldn’t do here right then. she seemed to be upset by something unrelated to my putting her off, but i was really tired, so i hit my bed and slept for about two hours. when i got up, i felt ready to go and finish my work. i headed up to the kitchen and saw that they had saved me some boca-burgers, so i hastily ate two of them and went back to work. those last
two massages were the best ones of the weekend. the one client was so stressed out and when she got off the table, she was radiant and relaxed. the last client of the day was also really good.
pack table. load stuff into the trailer for david to take up to my car. settle with david, who was very happy. last year, the therapist who was in attendance for this group only did three massage, and i did 11! yipee!
drive home. think about the weekend, make a few phone calls, and listen to voice mail.
i’m sitting here right now, and i’m still pretty wiped, but i’m happy. what a great weekend.
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