On Loss and Relief

by Paul Brown on 2 April 2014

During the time prior to my father’s death, I spent two years caring for him 24/7, and one year taking him to his doctors’ appointments while my younger sister cared for him.  Now that he’s gone, I find that I have a large chunk of mental energy that has been freed.

Because I started thinking about his death back in 2010 when my ex and I first started caring for him, I felt very calm and collected when he was admitted to the ICU.  It definitely helped me to decide about what direction his care should take.  He and I had had several conversations about what he wanted in his final days that I was able to take the burden off my sisters’ shoulders.  When it seemed that he had come to useful treatment that last day of his life, I decided to switch him to comfort care, and he died peacefully and without suffering the next day.

But now that he is gone, all of that carefully prepared mental structure I built has crumbled around me.  A strange mix of grief and relief has taken over in my mind.  The two feelings seemingly war with each other, and I feel somewhat distraught at feeling relieved.  The relief is not happiness, but it sets off the same kind of response to his death.

I know in my head that these feelings are all normal, so I suppose I shall have to learn to live with them without feeling guilty about feeling relieved.


Test Post with the new Instagram Plugin

by Paul Brown on 4 February 2014


Thanksgiving 2012

November 22, 2012

With my father at my younger sister’s for the week, and Nicholas and I no longer together, the urgency to celebrate thanksgiving didn’t seem as strong this year. So I dined at with my friends, Darwin and Kevin, at Darwin’s home in Greenhaven. The two of them had never met /, but I thought they’d […]

Read the full article →

All that’s left.

October 30, 2012
Read the full article →

Almost ready

October 30, 2012

Packing up my office on the fifth floor and moving to the second. Almost ready for business at Spark.

Read the full article →

Tweet Tweet: 2012-10-10

October 10, 2012

The power is out #blackout #Sacramento in Glenwood meadows. #

Read the full article →

Tweet Tweet: 2012-10-05

October 5, 2012

Nice challenge! #projectrunway #nospoilers # Excitement and Opportunity! #ProjectRunway #nospoilers # Super Concentration! #ProjectRunway #nospoilers # Mentoricious! #ProjectRunway #nospoilers #

Read the full article →

Tweet Tweet: 2012-09-28

September 28, 2012

Project runway # Poor #teamven I love me some #teamelena on #projectrunway # Babies have big heads, so they need clothes that can be put over those mini-melons. #ProjectRunway # OMG, I would so be looking for the battery pack on those fake babies! Kill me now! #ProjectRunway Poor designers! # Love it when they […]

Read the full article →

Tweet Tweet: 2012-09-27

September 27, 2012

Read the 1st chapter of A Memory of Light #amol today – fantastic! Can't wait for it to come out in January. #awot #

Read the full article →

Tweet Tweet: 2012-09-25

September 25, 2012

We're voting on an amendment to our by-laws at our next meeting: http://t.co/oD08iMOE # Saigon Bay Restaurant on #Yelp While looking for the closed Henry Nguyen's, we spied Saigon Bay and decided to give … http://t.co/rk4IUsms #

Read the full article →